Whatever Stops The Pain
by Kurama'sGirl88
Summary: OneShot. Sometimes, helping a friend can be the biggest mistake of your life. How do you cope with the hell your life has become? Is bleeding the only answer? Warning: contains cutting


Author's Note: Hi everyone! Well, I wanted to do another one shot, so here I am. This one will be longer. The story line I thought up was enough for two chapters but not any more, so I'm just putting it all in one. If you've ever read 'Trial and Error,' you'll know what style I'm talking about.

**This is not a song fic. All the poetry was written by me and is completely original. **

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

_I woke up late this morning_

_To a cold September rain_

_The drops beat on my window_

_But they didn't stop the pain_

Kurama stared in shock at the IM Yusuke had sent him. He read it three times, his disbelief quickly growing into fear.

"U don't get it, do u? The sight of my own blood makes me feel happy. It stops the pain. Burning helps 2."

The fox didn't know how to reply. He had had suspicions that Yusuke was cutting—the cuff he always wore over his wrist, how he had stopped eating, the way he became angry. But never before did he actually believe that the detective was going through with it.

"Why are you doing this?" he typed with shaking hands.

"My life is screwed."

Kurama logged off with a hasty goodbye, the panic in his chest threatening to overwhelm him. Why was this happening? Why now? Life couldn't be that bad, could it? Didn't he have friends to lean on instead of a knife?

The fox sighed deeply. He was afraid that Yusuke would do something drastic if he was allowed to continue with self-mutilation. He stood up, running a hand through his hair. Steeling his resolve, he picked up the phone and dialed Kayko's number.

"Hello? Yukimora residence, Kayko speaking."

"Hello Kayko. It's Kurama."

"Oh, hi! What can I do for you?"

"…It's about Yusuke."

Kayko's voice grew worried. "What's wrong?"

"He just told me over the IM that…he's cutting."

"_What_!"

Kurama took a shaky breath. "He's cutting, Kayko. Burning too."

"I thought something was wrong with him. We have to tell someone."

"Like who?"

"The school councilor, his mother, _anyone._ We have to help him."

"You're right. Wait there; I'll come over to your house and we can call together."

"All right. Bye, Kurama."

"Goodbye."

The radio was crackling 

_With an old forgotten song_

_The static helped to tell me_

_That everything was wrong_

The next day Kurama went to meet his friends at the park like usual. He grew increasingly nervous as he approached their meeting place. He and Kayko had gone to the school councilor and reported Yusuke's cutting. And now Kurama was afraid of seeing the detective. What if he figured out who had told his secret?

His question was answered when he turned the corner. Hiei was standing there along with Kuwabara, Yukina, Botan, and Kayko. Yusuke wasn't to be seen.

"Hey Kurama," Kayko greeted. She smiled, but it was forced.

"Where's Yusuke?" the fox asked. Kuwabara shook his head sadly.

"Some prick told the school that he was cutting. They dragged him in to 'talk' during first period. He never came back, so I'm guessing they brought in a professional shrink," the carrot top replied.

"So they don't know who told?"

"Well, we don't, but Yusuke has a pretty good idea. You could see it on his face when they pulled him outta class."

Kurama's throat closed in fear. He stole a glance at Kayko, but the girl had turned away. The fox sighed deeply. Things were about to get very, very bad.

"Hey Fox-boy, I wanna word with you."

Kurama spun to face Yusuke, who had come down the street. Kuwabara grinned.

"Hey, Urameshi! So what happened, you give the shrink the slip?"

"Somethin' like that." Yusuke turned back to Kurama, who was considering if it was too late to run away. "Come over here. We need to talk."

Kurama followed Yusuke a little farther into the park. When they were hidden from the other's view, Yusuke lost his cool composure. He glared at Kurama, anger flashing in his eyes.

"One of the kids in my class said that he saw you and someone else walk into the councilor's office yesterday, about a half-hour after I IMed you. Now tell me the truth. Who were you with and why did you tell?"

Kurama didn't want Kayko to get in trouble with Yusuke. Thinking fast, he said, "All right, I did say something to the councilor. But I was alone when I went. Your friend must have been mistaken."

"So no one was with you?"

"No one."

"Fine. I can't believe you, Kurama. How could you betray me like that? I thought you were my friend."

"I was scared, Yusuke. I thought you would die."

"Whatever. Sayonara, you jerk."

Kurama stood there until Yusuke had stormed off. The fox stared at the ground, trying to wrap his mind around what had just happened. Yusuke hated him. One of his closest friends was gone.

The fox turned and ran the opposite direction of his friends. He had to get out of there. He had to.

The phone is disconnected 

_And the TV doesn't work_

_I'd rather stay here in my room_

_And watch the shadows lurk_

There was no school the next day, so Kurama stayed home. The phone rang numerous times, the caller ID showing either Kuwabara's or Kayko's numbers, but Kurama refused to answer. He had tried getting on the internet, but he had to log off due to the overwhelming amount of IMs from Yusuke's classmates.

"Did u really rat him out?"

"I thought u were his friend."

"Aren't u like, really smart? Don't u know not to tell on your best bud?"

"He was just cutting. Nothing big."

Kurama spent the entire day in his room, reading or just staring out his window at the rain. Once or twice he felt Hiei's ki near his bedroom, but the fox ignored him.

Suddenly, an e-mail notice popped up on the computer screen. Curious, Kurama opened it, scanning it quickly before reading it more thoroughly. It was from Kuwabara.

"Hey Fox,

Urameshi told me it was you who told the shrink about his cutting. I think that was really low of you. And now that I think of it, you never really cared about us humans, did you? You prefer Hiei or Botan or someone like that to our friendship. So here it is—stay away from me and Kayko. I wanted you to know that on behalf of all of us. Bye.

Kuwabara"

Kurama stared at the e-mail for a long time. This was _not_ what he needed! He had already lost Yusuke. Now Kuwabara and Kayko, too? Hadn't Kayko just been on his side?

It was too much to think about. Kurama put his head in his hands and stayed like that for the rest of the night.

_I took a broken paintbrush_

_And I drenched my world in black_

_I'd rather bleed in silence_

_In this beat up little shack_

A few weeks later Kurama was once again at his window, staring out at the night sky. Things hadn't improved one bit. If anything, they had gotten worse. Kuwabara refused to talk to him, though Kayko had said good morning a few days before. Yusuke was still furious. He spent every waking moment causing Kurama even more pain. The fox had tried to talk to him, but the detective would hear none of it. He had grown angry and cruel, and Kurama spent most of the after school hours trying to avoid him.

And now, one more drama. Hiei was leaving for longer and longer periods, and when he came back he was angry and brooding. Kurama had tried to find out what was wrong, but no insight was forthcoming.

Kurama sighed. The stress had been so bad that he couldn't focus anymore. He was constantly shaking and tense, and was more susceptible to illness. Basically, his life had become a hell.

Suddenly, Hiei's ki flared up beside him. Kurama opened his window quickly, letting in the fire demon.

"Hello Hiei. How are you?"

"Hn." The fire demon sat down on Kurama's bed. "I should be asking you that question."

"I'm fine," Kurama sighed. "It's just, this thing with Yusuke has been killing me."

"Don't worry about it. He'll get over it."

Inside, Kurama was fuming. He was SO SICK of people telling him to not worry! They just didn't understand, did they? He was the type of person that was constantly worried about his friends' feelings. If someone hated him as much as Yusuke did, he wanted nothing more than to fix everything. But there was so much hatred in Yusuke's heart towards him that that wasn't going to happen.

"Whatever you say," he replied instead. Hiei studied him for a moment longer before disappearing through the window.

My friends think I'm doing fine 

_But they can't really see_

_The sadness that comes every night_

_And it won't let me be_

A few days later an IM appeared on Kurama's screen. With a sense of foreboding the fox opened it up. It was from Kayko.

"Hi, Kurama, are u there?"

Kurama waited a moment before answering. "Yes, I'm here."

"Oh, good. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for Kuwabara. He's angry, that's all."

"And you're not?"

"No. Actually, I wanted to say that it was really noble of u to take the blame, but I hate seeing u stressed like this. U should've let me take the wrap—I'm used to him being mad at me. It would have turned out different."

"Thanks, but I wouldn't have been able to let u. U know me. I appreciate the offer, though."

"Feel better, Kurama."

"Thanks. See u later, all right?"

"Ok. Bye."

Kurama signed off, pondering what had just happened. Well, Kayko was on his side again. That was good. He needed all the friends he could have.

With a sigh the fox laid down on his bed. He barely slept anymore; most of the time he just stared at his wall, sinking into an even deeper despair. Even when he did fall asleep, he had such horrible nightmares that he got an hour or two of rest at night. The fox chuckled softly. And his friends wondered why he loved coffee so much.

After a good hour of thinking, Kurama forced himself to get up. He went to his mother's room, softly knocking on the door. He had a plan, but felt horrible about going through with it.

"Mother?"

"Shuichi, come in. Is something wrong?"

"Well, actually, I didn't want to say anything, but I feel it's necessary now." Kurama sat on the edge of his mother's bed, watching as she watered the plants on her dresser. "I've been having migraines almost constantly, and I was wondering if you could get me something for it."

Kurama wasn't lying; because of this whole episode with Yusuke and the sleep deprivation, he was suffering from terrible headaches and had thrown up a couple of times. He didn't want to worry his mother, but it had gotten bad enough that he needed something to help him. He had two motives for asking for the medication, however. One, he would be free of that pain, and the other—

The pills would make him sleep.

The next day, Shiori gave Shuichi the pills he had asked for. He thanked her and went to his room, checking the clock. It was 9 at night. With a rueful smile, he downed tow of the pills. A half-hour later, he was deeply asleep.

So that little problem was solved.

_I sit inside my run-down car_

_And listen to the storm_

_Maybe I'll drive out of town;_

_At least it would be warm_

The next morning Kurama woke up late. It was a Sunday, so the fox could relax. He had just sat down to eat when he felt a familiar ki up in his room. Excusing himself, the fox ran upstairs. Hiei was leaning against his wall, looking positively murderous. Kurama was instantly concerned.

"What is it, Hiei?" he asked. Hiei glared at the ground. Kurama sighed. "Tell me, ok? It doesn't help to keep it bottled up."

"…I'm…angry. I want to leave. Just run away and never come back. I don't want to be here. Not anymore."

Kurama fought down panic. "No, Hiei," he pleaded. "Please don't even think like that. We need you here. Your friends need you."

Hiei looked at Kurama for a long time. "Why?" he demanded. "Death seems preferable to this life."

"I don't know what to say," Kurama replied truthfully. He was on the verge of tears. "It's frightening to think of a life without my friends. I've already lost Yusuke and Kuwabara. Don't let me lose you, too. Please."

"Fine," Hiei said. "I'll stay." And with that, he was gone again.

Kurama stood there for a good fifteen minutes. This was too much. All of it was killing him. So much pain…

The fox made a decision right then and there. He ran into the bathroom, grabbing a pair of scissors as he went by.

_And so I guess it's come to this_

_Just me, my pain, my knife_

_And a final chance to go_

_And leave behind this life_

Kurama locked the door behind him, staring at his reflection. Nothing was worse than this pain, right now. No one understood, either. His life seemed so perfect, and everyone believed it was. Nobody realized how much stress the fox was under. That the reason he got sick so often was because his body was breaking under the pressure. That his cheery, nothing-is-wrong attitude was just a stupid façade.

What made the fox laugh was how his friends would say, "I can tell when something is wrong with you." What a lie that was! They thought they did, and that was only when Kurama let on that he was upset. Most of the time no one had a clue. They had their own problems; they thought that their own pain was worse than his. Nobody cared.

With a sigh the fox opened the scissors. He pressed one of the blades against the back of his hand and sliced it. There was no pain at first. Then, a bright red line stood out against his pale skin, along with a sharp stinging sensation. Kurama marveled at the blood for a moment. He had actually cut.

He was such a hypocrite! Didn't he just report Yusuke for the exact same thing? What had he done?

Kurama cut his hand again, and again, and again, until it was lacerated and completely red. Forcing himself to put the scissors down, he stared at his hand for a full minute before bursting into tears.

_The drops of my blood slowly fall_

_And stain the steering wheel_

_I stare at my wrist in pain and shock_

_Is this how it should feel?_

A few days later, the fox was standing with Kayko and Yukina by the local café, waiting to see if Hiei was going to join them or not. Kurama kept his hand in his pocket, but Yukina noticed the cuts.

"Kurama, what happened?" she asked.

"I hit my hand against a cactus. You know, those thorny plants from the South-Western United States. My mother bought one and I didn't see it on the table."

The lie passed. Kayko nodded and continued watching the street. Suddenly, Yusuke turned the corner and began walking towards them. Kurama spun around and darted into the café, not wanting to have a confrontation with his former friend.

The fox went to the back of the coffee shop and sat down at a table that was hidden from the outside. He folded his arms and rested his head on them, spent. Even just walking down the street exhausted him. No amount of coffee helped, so the fox had actually begun eating pure sugar from the bag.

He hadn't cut again, and he had vowed never to repeat the sin. He often ran his fingers over the cuts, though, as if to remember what he had done. He had used up the migraine/sleeping pills, and since he didn't want to become addicted, he hadn't asked for any more. So once again he was struggling against nightmares, and woke up every morning tired and sore.

He sighed into his arms, closing his eyes. _Shoot_, he thought, _I need a vacation._

"So, Fox, I leave and come back to find you like this?"

_The next morning I made my way_

_To the cathedral down the street_

_I had to confess this horrid sin_

_My heart had stopped its beat_

Kurama looked up to see Hiei leaning against the table. "Hello, Hiei," he greeting tiredly. "How have you been feeling?"

"Hn. Fine," Hiei replied. He looked out the window, where Yusuke was talking with Kayko and Yukina.

"Good," Kurama said. He dropped his head back onto his arms, tears stinging his eyes.

"I'm a hypocrite, Hiei."

Hiei frowned. Wordlessly, Kurama stretched out his hand, exposing the cuts.

"I cut myself. See? I'm no better than Yusuke."

Hiei stared at Kurama's hand for a bit. "I knew it," he finally said.

Kurama groaned. "Is it that obvious?" he asked. Hiei nodded, then, realizing Kurama had his head down, said out loud,

"Yes."

"Great," Kurama sighed. He brought his hand back in, wincing at the pain. "What do I do now?"

"You go talk to Yusuke," Hiei answered. Kurama finally raised his head to look at the fire demon curiously.

"No," he said. "He hates me, remember? He's the reason I'm like this."

"Well, he told Kayko that he's not that mad anymore."

"He isn't?"

"Isn't that what I just said?" Hiei snorted impatiently. "Now get out there before I have to hurt you."

Kurama hesitantly walked outside, approaching Yusuke with the utmost care. He was still terrified of the boy.

"Hello," he greeted all of them.

_The father couldn't see me_

_Through the confessional's thick veil_

_But I told him the entire truth_

_And wove my forlorn tale_

"Hi," Kayko and Yukina said. Yusuke just nodded stiffly in his direction, but Kurama breathed a sigh of relief.

_Well, _he thought, _Yusuke just acknowledged that I'm here. It's a start. _

"I gotta go. See ya," Yusuke suddenly said. He jerked his hand in a short goodbye before heading down the street.

"I'm sorry, Kurama," Kayko said. "He's still a little upset."

"It's ok," Kurama said. He smiled a little bit. "At least things are getting better."

_The father gave me pardon_

_And sent me on my way_

_And though the pain will never leave_

_I'll soon see the day_

Kurama knew that things wouldn't be completely better anytime soon. He knew that he would carry the scars of his cutting for the rest of his life. He knew that he had lost Yusuke's trust and would probably never get it back.

But he also knew that he had friends like Kayko and Hiei that he could count on, even if sometimes it would be hard to trust. Life was pain, and no one would ever understand the torment he went through every day, but at least his friends tried to help when they could. At least sleep would come a little bit easier with the knowledge that life might improve.

And that was all he could ask for.

The End 

Author's Note: Well, how'd you like it? Sad, I know. And the ending kind of left you hanging, but that's because you know that sooner or later everything will get better.

I don't care of you read this three months after it is published. Still review! One shots need all the reviews they can get! So please tell me your opinion. Please! All right. Love ya all. Until next time, this is Kurama'sGirl88!


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